I wasn’t always self-conscience. I’m not going to go too into detail about what’s happened that’s caused me to be so hard on myself but all you need to know is that every time I’ve been taken for granted, it’s caused my view of myself to get lower and lower. I’m not someone who hold’s people’s wrongs against them. When someone hurts me, I think, “Why would they do that? What’s so wrong with me that they’d want to do that?” From fights with friends to being played by guys to not meeting my own expectations, my self-love has only gone down-hill.
And let me tell you, out of all the qualities I dislike about myself, that’s the one I hate the most. I hate that I’m so hard on myself. I hate that I look in the mirror and critique every detail about myself. And I mean every detail… my smile. My body. My hair. How I do my makeup. My outfits. Just how I am and who I am.
And as you may have noticed, I’m writing all of this in present tense because, yes, there are still many times where I am hard on myself. But! (Here’s the big but you’ve been waiting for) For the majority of those times that I do see myself in the mirror, I’m much more self-accepting than before I was a mother. I don’t have as much spare time as other’s my age do. Going to the gym is a luxury, eating healthy is expensive, and fully focusing on myself all of the time isn’t what I necessarily want to do. I’m a mom. I want to be with Finley. I know that I’m never going to get these special moments with him back and that makes me want to make the most of them even more. I also know that this body I critique so harshly… it has made life. Sure, I have stretch marks on my tummy, I’m not in the best of shape as I used to be, and half the time I walk around unshowered with no make up on. But I have a little baby boy who couldn’t care less about what I look like. A little baby boy who not only wants but needs me, who loves me no matter if there is makeup on my face or not.
I haven’t fully given up though on working on myself, I’m just much more understanding when I don’t make it to the gym or I have to eat an unhealthy snack because I’m on the go. I think that’s the key after you have a baby – understanding and accepting that life isn’t going to simply be about you. You’re always going to have someone you care about more, someone you’d do anything and everything for. And that’s okay with me. I know when the time comes I will put in much more effort for myself. But right now? I’m understanding and accepting… and defintely practicing my own self-love.