The moment I found out I was pregnant, I was definitely feeling a various amount of emotions. I was nervous, nauseous, and knowing that my life was about to take a 180 degree turn, a turn that was going the exact opposite direction in which my friends were heading.
In my first trimester of pregnancy, I didn’t want to do anything but sit at home. I had very bad nausea but instead of throwing up, it was the type of nausea where you don’t. You simply feel dizzy and disgusting without the option of feeling better by getting all of the yucky bile out.
I was also extremely tired, I’d say I got too much sleep but that isn’t even considered an option for a pregnant woman. (But thank goodness I slept as much as I could back then because now I’m definitely not getting enough!)
On top of those two feelings, nausea and exhaustion, I was an emotional mess.
But then… I started to feel better, the second trimester hit and I felt as if I was back to my old self. I was going to Twin’s Games, soaking up sun at the beach, even going over to a friend’s house was something that gave me a sense of accomplishment.
But as every pregnant woman knows, then your belly starts coming in, exhaustion hits you like a slap in the face, and your back starts to ache. I was working full-time come August when I hit my third trimester which made all of these pregnancy symptoms even worse. At times, it seemed impossible for me to even leave the house after a day’s work. While I wanted nothing more than to be young and having fun with my friends, my body wouldn’t allow it.
I felt guilt. While I know I shouldn’t have, I did. I wasn’t able to be the friend that all of my friends needed. I wasn’t able to make the efforts for them that they were used to. I wasn’t always available when they needed someone to come over and vent to, someone to go to do “normal” activities that 20 year olds do. I wasn’t able to be 20.
And that killed me.
Fast forward through those 9 months of being pregnant, now where am I?
I’m in the same position, but at the same time, a different one. I feel as if I’m an even worse friend than when I was pregnant.
Instead of not being able to go over to a friend’s house to chat and let them vent, I’m not even able to make it to the phone to send out a text because of a crying, teething baby. And by the time I do remember to respond, it’s the very next day. Instead of not being able to get out of the house because I’m feeling unwell, the situation becomes so much more difficult with me bringing along a stroller, my diaper bag, and making sure I have a happy, well-behaved baby the entire time I’m out.
I’m 21 years going on 35.
I want to hangout with my friends, I want to make the memories that 20 year olds should be making, I want to make sure I’m just as there for my friends as they are for me, but I can’t. At least not right now.
For myself, I feel as if I’m extremely lucky to have friends who understand this. They’ve gone above and beyond to make sure that I know they have no hard feelings. And I wish that I could make myself believe that they’re not jilted by my absence but I can’t. I’ll always feel guilty not being able to be the best friend that I can be.
To my friends, just know that I want nothing more than to be there for you. I will always do my best to give back for how understanding you’ve been and I thank you so very, VERY much for your kindness when I fall short.